my thoughts exactly.
believe it or not
I’m actually happy for you. You seem up again, and while I know that, knowing you, it’s not going to last for long, I also hope that it will sustain this time around. I don’t even feel sad that I no longer know you, and I think it’s because I never really did. Cliche? Yes, extremely. But most things in life are, so I don’t really care. I love you like a sister loves a brother; I want to see you thrive, because you’re so good inside, despite the effort you put into covering it up. I want to see you thrive because my heart can’t help but break when I see pure, otherworldly talent die just because someone doesn’t want to take the good with the bad. You have value whether or not someone wants to pay you for what you make.
Not that you asked, but I’m happy too. Things are scary and weird and challenging sometimes, but I want every last bit of it, because the good things have been so amazing that it all makes sense now. I’m still jumping off those proverbial cliffs, and the past year has made me realize that no matter how much I have my shit together, I’ll always be bruised and scratched up underneath it all, and I am ok with that. I like that about me, actually. I don’t feel damaged at all; I feel alert, aware, and alive. I feel like life is finally moving in the direction it needs to, and that the things I only dreamed were possible are finally becoming a reality.
I loved you so much, I love you so much, but we didn’t make each other happy in the end, or maybe even in the beginning too. But I am so happy I knew you and that we shared that love, because even though we had to go through a lot of pain it wasn’t for nothing. It was because we needed to be pushed to the edge, over the edge, and we survived.
like the memory from your mother’s house from before you got too old
like the feeling from a photograph before it’s meanings all got told
the words I say can be silver, but what’s left unsaid can be gold
so get to know me once I go awaymaybe ‘cause I come from such an empty-hearted town
or maybe ‘cause some love of mine had really let me down
but the only time I am lonely is when others are around
I just never end up knowing what to sayif I wanted someone to clean me up, I’d find myself a maid
if I wanted someone to spend my money, I wouldn’t need to get paid
if I wanted someone to understand me, I’d have so much more to say
I want you to make the days move easy
Dawes, “If I Wanted Someone”
Little Toyko, September 2012
